Published
Medically reviewed by Danesh Alam MD, DFAPA, DFASAM
Coping with grief during the holidays starts with expecting the season to be harder and planning for it. Decide ahead of time which gatherings and traditions to keep, change, or skip. Make room to remember the person who died. Lean on people you trust, go easy on alcohol, and get professional help if grief keeps you from functioning.
If you are thinking about suicide, or you are worried about someone else, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It is free, confidential, and open 24 hours a day. SAMHSA: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Why does grief feel worse during the holidays?
Grief feels worse during the holidays because the season is full of reminders. The National Cancer Institute (NCI) describes grief "bursts or pangs": short periods of very intense distress that last about 20 to 30 minutes. They are set off by reminders of the person, "such as during holidays, the anniversary of the loved one's death, or when giving away items that belonged to the person." NCI: Grief, Bereavement, and Loss (PDQ)
Holidays stack those reminders together: the recipe only they made, the seat they always took. Everyone around you is expected to be cheerful, which can make your own sadness feel out of place.
Is it normal to grieve during the holidays, even years later?
Yes. Grief has no schedule, and a hard holiday does not mean you are grieving the wrong way. The National Institute on Aging (NIA) puts it plainly: "There are no rules about how you should feel. There is no right or wrong way to mourn." NIA: Coping With Grief and Loss
For most people, the sharpest pain eases with time. NCI notes that symptoms lessen between 6 months and 2 years after the loss for most bereaved people, and adds that "there is no typical grief response." NCI: Grief, Bereavement, and Loss (PDQ)
You may have heard of the five stages of grief. They are one way to describe common reactions, not steps you must complete. MedlinePlus says these reactions "might not occur in a specific order, and can occur together," and that not everyone has all of them. MedlinePlus: Grief
How do you cope with grief during the holidays?
The most useful step is to decide in advance what you will and will not do, so the day does not decide for you.
- Look at the calendar now. Note the days that will be hardest. Decide where you will be, who you will be with, and how you can leave early.
- Say no without apology. You can skip a party, leave early, or attend only the part that matters to you.
The National Institute on Aging's general advice for people who are grieving fits the season too:
- Tell people what you need. Let family and friends know when you want to talk about your loved one, and accept their offers of help and company when you can.
- Protect the basics. Grief can be hard on your health. Regular exercise, healthy food, and enough sleep all help.
- Keep something you enjoy. Activities you like, such as music, volunteering, or time with your faith community, can improve mood and well-being.
- Hold off on big decisions. If you have a choice, delay major changes such as selling your home or leaving your job until you feel better.
NIA: Coping With Grief and Loss
Should you keep holiday traditions or change them?
Either choice is fine, and you can choose differently for each tradition. Some people find comfort in doing things exactly as before. Others need a different place, a different menu, or a smaller group. What you decide this year does not bind you next year.
Many families also add a small way to honor the person:
- Cook their favorite dish, or set out a photo
- Light a candle before the meal
- Invite each person to share one story
People often avoid saying the name of someone who died because they worry it will hurt, but many grieving people find it helps to talk about the loss directly. NIA: Coping With Grief and Loss
Does drinking help with grief?
Alcohol can take the edge off for a while, but it tends to make the hours that follow harder. While drinking, people may feel calmer and more relaxed. When the effect wears off, they "can feel more restless and anxious than before they drank." Alcohol also breaks up sleep: people may fall asleep faster, but they sleep in fragments and wake earlier. NIAAA: Hangovers We explain that rebound in does drinking make anxiety worse.
Alcohol is also more present than usual at the holidays. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) notes that some people who feel lonely or isolated drink more to cope with those emotions. NIAAA: Holiday Drinking and Your Health
None of this means you cannot raise a glass to someone you love. If you notice you are drinking more than you used to, or drinking to get through the evenings, tell your doctor. MedlinePlus lists excessive alcohol or drug use as a possible complication of ongoing grief and a reason to contact a health care provider. MedlinePlus: Grief
How can you support someone who is grieving during the holidays?
Reach out, listen more than you talk, and keep showing up after the holidays end. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) advises letting the grieving person guide the conversation, using the name of the person who died, offering practical help such as cooking, cleaning, or childcare, and being willing to sit in silence. SAMHSA: How to Support a Person Who Is Grieving the Loss of a Life
What do you say to someone who is grieving?
Simple and specific works best:
- "I've been thinking about you and about Dad this week."
- "I'd love to hear a story about her, if you feel like telling one."
- "I'm bringing dinner Thursday. Is six o'clock all right?"
What should you not say?
SAMHSA's tip sheet lists phrases to avoid, including "You'll get over it soon," "This will pass," "They lived a good life," "They are no longer in pain," "Eventually you will move on," and "You're so strong." It also warns against advice the person did not ask for. SAMHSA: How to Support a Person Who Is Grieving the Loss of a Life
How do you help a grieving child or teen through the holidays?
Tell the truth in words they can understand, keep routines where you can, and give them a part in remembering. Children grieve differently from adults and can move quickly between sadness, anger, and play. SAMHSA: How to Support a Child Through Grief
- Use clear words. Say "died" and "death." Phrases such as "passed away," "sleeping," or "we lost him" can confuse children. NCI: Grief, Bereavement, and Loss (PDQ)
- Reassure them about safety. Children often worry that they will die too, or that the surviving parent will leave. They need to hear that they will be safe and cared for. NCI: Grief, Bereavement, and Loss (PDQ)
- Let them choose how to take part. Do not force a child into a ritual that frightens them. Lighting a candle or looking at photos together are other ways to remember. MedlinePlus: Children and grief
- Keep routines where you can. Give children time to grieve, and return to familiar routines when they are able. Routine reinforces stability. SAMHSA: Helping Children and Youth Survivors of Loss
Older children and teens may find more comfort in direct conversation than younger children do. Some turn to a friend, coach, or teacher before a parent. SAMHSA: Helping Children and Youth Survivors of Loss If you think your teen needs more support, our guide to talking to your teen about mental health treatment can help you start.
Ask your child's doctor for help if your child loses interest in activities, refuses school or slips in schoolwork, keeps acting younger for a long time, or talks about joining the person who died. MedlinePlus: Children and grief
What is the difference between grief and depression?
Grief and depression can look alike, with sleep problems, guilt, and loss of interest in both, but they are not the same thing. NCI describes several differences. In grief, painful feelings come and go instead of being constant. Self-esteem usually stays intact. If thoughts of death occur, they tend to center on the person who died, such as a wish to be with them. NCI: Grief, Bereavement, and Loss (PDQ) Even so, any thought of suicide is a reason to call or text 988.
Depression is steadier and wider. A diagnosis requires symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks, including a depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in most activities. NIMH: Depression Grief symptoms that last can lead to clinical depression, so raise them with a clinician. MedlinePlus: Grief Our guide to the signs of depression covers what to watch for.
What is prolonged grief disorder?
Prolonged grief disorder is intense, persistent grief that interferes with daily life well past the point when grief usually begins to ease. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) includes it in its diagnostic manual, the DSM-5-TR, published in 2022. APA: Prolonged Grief Disorder Some sources still use an older name, complicated grief. NIA: Coping With Grief and Loss
In plain terms, the diagnosis requires all of the following:
- Time. The death happened at least 12 months ago for an adult, or at least 6 months ago for a child or teen.
- A core symptom. Intense longing for the person who died, or being preoccupied with thoughts of them. In children and teens, the preoccupation may focus on how the death happened.
- At least three other symptoms, nearly every day for at least the past month: feeling that part of yourself has died, disbelief about the death, avoiding reminders that the person is gone, intense emotional pain such as anger or sorrow, trouble rejoining friends, interests, or plans, emotional numbness, feeling that life is meaningless without the person, or intense loneliness.
- Real disruption. The grief causes significant distress or problems at home, at work, or in other important areas.
- Longer than expected. It lasts beyond what the person's culture, faith, or community would expect.
Most grief is not a disorder. APA cites an estimate that 4% to 15% of bereaved adults develop these persistent symptoms. Treatments that use elements of cognitive behavioral therapy have been found to reduce them, and bereavement support groups can ease isolation. APA: Prolonged Grief Disorder
A painful first holiday season is not prolonged grief disorder. For adults, the 12-month threshold alone rules it out.
When should you get professional help for grief?
Get help when grief keeps you from functioning, when it is not easing with time, or when you have any thoughts of suicide. MedlinePlus advises contacting a health care provider if you cannot cope with grief, if you are using excessive amounts of alcohol or drugs, or if you have long-lasting depression that interferes with daily life. MedlinePlus: Grief
SAMHSA lists other signs that a grieving person may need more support: oversleeping or not sleeping at all, eating too little or too much, extreme isolation, new or worsening substance use, recklessness, and a serious decline in physical health. SAMHSA: How to Support a Person Who Is Grieving the Loss of a Life
Good places to start include your primary care doctor, a licensed therapist, or a grief support group. Hospice programs provide bereavement support, and you can ask for it even if hospice was not involved in the death. NIA: Coping With Grief and Loss
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911. MedlinePlus: Grief
Frequently asked questions
How long does grief last?
There is no set length. For most bereaved people, symptoms lessen between 6 months and 2 years after the loss, and reminders such as holidays can still bring short bursts of grief.
Is it okay to skip the holidays after a death?
Yes. You can skip an event, scale a holiday down, or spend the day differently. Let the people who expect you know your plan.
What do you say to someone who is grieving during the holidays?
Say the person's name, say you are thinking of them, and offer something specific, such as a meal or a ride. Avoid telling them how they should feel or when they will feel better.
Is prolonged grief disorder the same as depression?
No. Prolonged grief disorder is a separate diagnosis in the DSM-5-TR. It centers on longing for, or preoccupation with, the person who died. Depression centers on a lasting low mood or loss of interest.
Getting help at Ambrosia
Grief is not an illness, and for most people it eases with time. Sometimes it arrives alongside depression, anxiety, or heavier drinking, and those are treatable.
At Ambrosia, individual counseling means one-on-one sessions with a licensed therapist, and coping with grief and loss is among the concerns it addresses. Cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the approaches our therapists use. When a loss has deepened into depression, our depression treatment in West Palm Beach is the place to start.
If you already see a therapist and still feel overwhelmed, our guide on when weekly therapy isn't enough explains how to tell when you need more support.