I hate not believing my kid but what to be able to KNOW when he is lying
Wife16 Hi Sandy - Having trust issues with a loved one hurts. And yes - our knowing is limited - so what to do about that? In my experience with my addicted loved one, I first put behavior before words. Now, my SO's behavior seemed pretty good, but he was still lying - because he was addicted. So, that approach helps somewhat - as you may be experiencing - but it's not the whole story. I think the whole story is that unless your loved one has come to a place of surrender to a program of recovery and the behavior and speech is that of active recovery (talking about what working for them, an attitude of gratitude or service towards loved ones, getting a sponsor, being faithful to that sponsor and meetings), you have to assume there is still addiction either lurking or driving the bus... There is no gray area when it comes to the truth. It's just that recovery is a process, so what it true today might not be true tomorrow. Things might look good on the outside, but your body instinctively knows when something just isn't right. Sometimes we aren't used to listening to that instinct, but in time the truth will be known. So how do we get by? My best practice is to stay true to MYSELF - what do I need to act with integrity? To take care of myself? There were times I gave myself a hug - I'm not ashamed of that. I can't ask anything of someone not able to keep their own word - not their fault! They are sick people, not bad people. So am I willing to make other plans? I had to keep myself occupied for many years until my loved one hit bottom and surrendered to his need for real recovery! He lost a portion of his liver, but he had a real spiritual awakening and has embraced recovery so beautifully - I have to believe it's partly because I kept myself well and out of the way of his decline. It was scary to watch him almost kill himself or someone else - there were times I didn't know if I should call an ambulance or the cops - but the support I needed was always there when I reached out for it. I chose to learn what I needed to learn to keep myself running the household. I understood the dynamics of what was happening - and what needed to happen in order to get the best possible result - for him and me. It was quite honestly a risk I was willing to take - and I'm glad I chose to learn to be my own self-advocate. His addiction was and is not my fault, or even his! It just IS. He is allergic to alcohol. And recovery is our life. Tragedy can be a teacher if we allow it to be. Every journey is different. The best we can do is to embrace these journeys because they belong to us and believe that through it all a Higher Power is at work to shape us for the best - not the worst. We are fearfully and wonderfully made for survival and ultimately, love. Trust your gut that you are in good hands - yours. Do your best. It will always be enough, just for today.
Joan B I think that will be based on your personal experience.. I know my son is lying when he wont look me in the eye, or starts isolating.. By that point, I know he is using. Its difficult to start trusting in early recovery but you should give them the chance to follow thru with their commitments and if they don't, you can probably assume they are not being honest